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If you’re single and you have an ostomy, eventually the questions change.
In the beginning, you’re worried about things like changing your bag, preventing leaks, figuring out what you can eat, and generally learning how to live with this new addition to your body. But once some of that settles down, another set of questions starts creeping in.
How am I supposed to date with this thing?
Is someone still going to find me attractive? When do I tell them? And what happens if things become intimate and suddenly there’s no hiding the fact that I have an ostomy?
Those are real questions. I’ve asked them myself.
And I think they’re part of something bigger than dating. They’re really questions about whether we can become comfortable in our bodies again.
Getting Comfortable in a Different Body
After ostomy surgery, your body can look very different.
There may be scars from surgeries. There may be weight changes. In my case, I lost a lot of weight while going through cancer and multiple surgeries. Then there’s the ostomy itself, which is obviously a pretty significant change when you look in the mirror.
It took me some time to get comfortable with that.
One of the things I eventually learned was that I didn’t have to love every single thing about having an ostomy in order to accept my body.
Those are two different things.
There are things about living with an ostomy that I would certainly prefer not to deal with. But I also reached a point where I realized my ostomy didn’t have to define how I saw myself.
That was a game changer, especially when it came to dating.
Because if I’m approaching someone thinking, There’s something wrong with me and I hope they’ll overlook it, I’m already putting myself in a pretty difficult position.
My body changed.
I didn’t become a different person.
So When Do You Tell Someone?
This was probably the biggest question for me.
I’ve dated a few people during the years I’ve had my ostomy, and figuring out when to tell someone has always been one of the more challenging parts.
You meet somebody. You like them. They seem interested in you too.
And somewhere in the back of your mind you’re thinking, Well, I’ve got a little surprise for you.
There isn’t one correct moment to have that conversation.
I don’t think you owe someone your entire medical history when you sit down for your first cup of coffee. You can have a date. You can have two dates. You can talk on the phone and get to know each other.
You get to decide when you’re comfortable sharing something that personal.
At the same time, I learned that I didn’t want to wait until I was forced to have the conversation.
If the relationship is becoming romantic and there’s a possibility that things could become intimate, suddenly having to stop everything and explain your ostomy can make an already vulnerable conversation much harder.
For me, the better approach has been to pay attention to where the relationship is going.
Do I like this person? Do they seem to like me? Do I want this relationship to continue? Does it feel like we’re moving toward something more intimate?
When the answer starts becoming yes, that’s usually a sign that the conversation probably needs to happen.
How I Talk About My Ostomy
My story gives me a fairly natural way into the conversation.
I had cancer. I went through four surgeries. My ostomy was originally supposed to be temporary, but ultimately it wasn’t reversed.
So rather than sitting someone down and announcing, “I have an ostomy,” as though I’m confessing something, I can simply tell my story.
Cancer is part of that story. The surgeries are part of it. And the ostomy is part of it.
I’ve also learned that the way I talk about my ostomy matters.
If I present it like it’s something terrible or something I’m ashamed of, the person sitting across from me may pick up on that insecurity. Especially early in a relationship, people are taking cues from each other.
If I’m comfortable talking about it, that gives the other person permission to be comfortable too.
That doesn’t mean they’re immediately going to understand everything.
They may look surprised. They may have questions. They may even seem a little uncomfortable at first.
I’ve tried not to immediately interpret that reaction as rejection.
A lot of people simply don’t know what an ostomy is. They may never have seen one or known anyone who had one. Suddenly they’re processing a lot of new information about someone they’re interested in.
Give them a minute.
Let the conversation breathe.
Dating Isn’t Just About Whether They Accept Me
There’s something else I think we sometimes forget.
I’m not just hoping this person accepts my ostomy.
I’m deciding whether I want to be with them too.
Dating is two people learning about each other. We’re both revealing parts of ourselves. We’re both discovering things we like and things we’re not sure about.
The ostomy is one part of that process.
I don’t want to turn it into the defining moment where I’m sitting there waiting for someone else to decide whether I’m acceptable.
I’m evaluating them too.
How do they respond when I share something vulnerable? Are they curious? Compassionate? Judgmental? Can we talk openly about uncomfortable subjects?
Those things tell me something about the person sitting across from me.
In a strange way, talking about my ostomy can reveal something important about both of us.
Rejection Is Possible
We also have to acknowledge something that isn’t particularly fun to talk about.
Someone may decide they’re not comfortable dating a person with an ostomy.
That’s possible.
But I’ve tried to put that in perspective.
I’ve dated people who had personality traits, circumstances, or lifestyles that didn’t work for me. That didn’t mean there was something wrong with them. It meant we weren’t right for each other.
Someone can make the same decision about me.
And if I’m rejected, I also can’t automatically assume my stoma was the reason. There are plenty of other things about me that might not work for somebody.
That’s dating.
Having an ostomy doesn’t suddenly mean every rejection becomes a referendum on your body.
The important thing, at least for me, is knowing that fundamentally I’m okay with who I am.
My ostomy isn’t something I need to apologize for.
It’s part of where life took me. In my case, it’s also connected to the surgeries and treatment that allowed me to keep living.
That’s worth remembering.
You Are Still Allowed to Want Intimacy
Having an ostomy changes certain things about life.
Dating may require conversations you never imagined having. Intimacy may require some adjustments. You may have moments when you feel self-conscious.
But an ostomy doesn’t mean you can’t date.
It doesn’t mean you can’t have sex.
It doesn’t mean you’re no longer attractive or desirable.
It means your body is different and you may have to communicate differently.
There’s a big difference between those two things.
I think confidence comes back gradually. It certainly did for me. You start doing things you weren’t sure you could do. You get through conversations you were afraid to have. You realize other people aren’t necessarily looking at you the way you’ve been looking at yourself.
And little by little, life starts getting bigger again.
Your Ostomy Doesn’t Get to Decide Your Life
Looking back, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that having an ostomy changed my circumstances, but it didn’t change my fundamental ability to connect with another person.
I’m still capable of attraction, vulnerability, affection, intimacy and love.
So is anyone else living with an ostomy.
Take your time. Decide when you’re ready to tell someone. Share your story with confidence, and give the other person the opportunity to understand it.
Some people may not be right for you.
That’s okay.
The goal isn’t to find someone willing to tolerate your ostomy. It’s to find someone who sees the whole person standing in front of them—and for you to be confident enough to see that whole person when you look in the mirror too.
Your body may be different now.
But your life, including dating, intimacy and love, is still yours to live.
